Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

Hide the Suitcase

Posted: April 30, 2016 in Fatherhood, Parenting, Poetry, Separation

How slowly can I make the door close
To catch one last glimpse of your face in the dark?

Softly saying “Goodnight daddy, have a safe flight”

Your “I love you” echoes in my ears as my legs, like lead

Walk slowly down the hall

In this moment

Every ambition, every purpose, every goal

Pales in comparison to the anticipation 

Of hugging my little (and not so little) champions again

And then how quickly will I make the door open 

To clear the path for your sprinting embrace

 

Teenage Brain

Photo Credit: KindredMedia.org

I am still learning to decipher “Teenage-ese”

A widely spoken dialect, worldwide

Yet unique to those who have roamed the earth

For 13 to 19 years.

The first mystery is the vocabulary of this ancient tongue

It seems that there are only 7 words: “Uh-huh” “Nothing”

“Good” “Not” “Much” “Video” and “Games.”

As for tone, there appear to be two notes: low mumble and mid-range mumble

Excitement is hard to detect, shrouded in ambiguous grunts and mutterings

Unless a wrong is perceived, and then suddenly

This language acquires profound expressiveness

Through the boldly and repeatedly expressed phrase “Come on!”

Flowing conversations are not a traditional part

Of Teenage-ese oral traditions.

Long

Silences

And

Pauses

Seem integral to the communication style,

Creating regular tension with

Parent-ese, a language that insists

On constantly clear and emotionally appropriate communication.

And so, it is tempting to give up on Teenage-ese.

Grunts, groans and monotones

Fall prey to suggesting apathy.

But every so often, like the King in

“The King and I” who constantly exasperates his wife,

Teenage-ese succumbs to “something wonderful”

A single vulnerable phrase slips out despite

The best efforts of the native speaker.

An “I love you” evades the security system and tunnels underneath

The protective barbed wire of the teenage psyche.

If you are blessed

To catch this moment, grab it.

Security will soon catch up with the errant words.

And incarcerate them once again in the teenage brain.

And the mystery of Teenage-ese begins once again . . .

notice-and-wonder-thumbnail1

Graphic credit: adventuresincommoncore.blogspot.com

This may come as a shock, but not every moment of parenting is filled with heroic deeds, warm hugs or high fives. There are tasks we parents do that won’t be making it to the big screen any time soon. One of those tasks is the parent-teacher meeting. It’s probably a good thing that this event won’t be a summer blockbuster. Not sure how many people would go and see the movie “Parent-Teacher Meeting: Goals Defined!”

And so it was that I drove over to my son’s school and sat down in his Math class, looking forward to meeting his teacher, but expecting a fairly generic description of the goals for the term ahead. But Mr. M surprised us all and instead whipped out a Math word problem for us to solve. But instead of jumping straight to a calculation, he got us to ask two questions “What do I notice?” and “What do I wonder?” This is the approach he takes with the students because of a growing revelation in education that many students do not know how to effectively approach verbal problems. They leap to calculation before really  understanding the problem. Asking what you notice and what you wonder first relieves you of the pressure to instantly be right and simply allows you to take in the information and process the problem in a non-linear way.

If there is one feeling you have in medicine, it’s the pressure to be instantly right. Even now, while I’m on research leave, I felt I needed to be correct when asked what I thought of the results I had just assembled for one of my research projects. But interestingly, my research group leader  used almost identical phrasing to Mr. M, the math teacher. She simply asked, when we were looking at the data tables, “What do you notice?” We are evaluating the literature to determine the effectiveness of a certain modality for treating nerve injury. I noticed that one muscle group seemed to improve much more than the others with this treatment. Why? (What do you wonder?) Could it really be that you can approach an 8th grade Math problem and a Neurosurgical research article with the same two questions?

And if so, where else could those questions be used effectively to solve problems?

What if spouses took the time to notice and wonder about each other? On second thought, there is probably a lot of noticing and wondering that goes on already “I notice you’ve walked onto the carpet with dirty shoes” “I’m wondering which couch you’d like to sleep on” but what if these questions were asked from a place of renewed curiosity and possibility?

With parents and children.

With employees and employers.

With ourselves.

We can get to the point where everything is about bottom lines and definitive answers. We stop noticing and worse, stop wondering. At that point, innovation is stymied, relationships stagnate and personal growth is stunted.

I first broached this question on Twitter earlier this week. As it happened, I have a mischievous friend who responded with a few notice/wonder questions of his own. I will leave you with one of his cheeky creations . . .

What do I notice? I can’t feel my foot

What do I wonder? If this crocodile will let go soon . . .

perfect-timing

Photo Credit: Steve-eilertsen.com

The line fell flat and I didn’t get why. Just the previous night, the same line with the same pace, inflection and volume got huge laughs from the audience but that night, nothing, except perhaps a polite chuckle. The only difference? I paused for an extra second to deliver the punchline and that killed it. The following night I used my original timing and the laughs were back. Could comedy be that clinical? Apparently so. And if timing proved to be important in my Acting, that only increased in medicine.

If a patient has a heart attack or a stroke, the two expressions you will hear are “Time is (heart) muscle” or “Time is brain.” The same intervention delivered too late and the effect is lost. I still remember pounding on the chest of a 32 year old heroin addict brought into the Emergency Room in cardiac arrest after an overdose. Every chest compression was filled with the knowledge that time was slipping away and when our team could not revive him, time stood still as the time of death was called. A young life gone too soon. Could a phonecall have prevented this overdose? Could a visit have come sooner and found him in better shape? We’ll never know.

Here’s what we do know. Timing is not simply about chance:

tim·ing
noun
noun: timing
  1. the choice, judgment, or control of when something should be done.

“Choice” “Judgment” and “Control” all imply deliberate action. Although we are not always in control of when certain things happen, we are in control of the timing of most things we do in our lives. But how conscious are we of that responsibility? Timing matters. Have you ever sent a text with either really good or bad news and had that one person who responds two days later saying all the right things, but somehow it doesn’t have the same effect? Timing.

I’m reading a provocative book right now “A Path Appears” which lays the case for how to make a meaningful difference. In the current chapter, the authors describe how tough the conditions are in a certain Native American reservation where up to two thirds of the male population are alcoholics. The unemployment and drop-out rates are unbelievable. So where do you time your intervention? The authors argue that trying to address unemployment before you’ve dealt with the fact that many children are born with fetal alcohol syndrome affecting their cognitive abilities is bad timing. Intervention can work but must be timed correctly.

As important as timing is, it is not adequately taught in school where the focus is on bodies of knowledge. But that knowledge is useless if not delivered in time to prevent a suicide or simply make a moment or day meaningful.

With timing in mind, I have taken a new approach to weekend activities with my boys. I used to schedule things I did with them where it made sense in the day, usually after taking care of my business earlier in the day. Reasonable right? But there was room for other things to interfere with the plan or I would get tired and I would not always get to things I wanted to do with them. Now, I start with them. Today we did big waffle breakfast, chores, an hour of reading together, countries of Africa pop-quiz and swimming back to back. This change in timing makes a difference in two ways: I am more likely to spend more time with them and that’s always a win, but I also convey implicitly that my time with them is so important that I start my day with it before anything else.

Timing makes a difference and it is a choice I am learning to be more deliberate about. And where it is not in my control, I have found peace in these words “He makes everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11